Martin Etiquettes Owner Benjamin Martin Shares His Testimony On Life, Love, and Loss

“Black men aren’t superheroes.”

Sitting in a small cafe just outside Atlanta, sipping a warm cup of locally-brewed coffee, author, designer, and founder of menswear shop Martin Etiquettes, Benjamin Martin is passionately discussing the nuances of what it means to be a black man in today’s society. It’s a topic that is important to Martin, not only based on his own experiences as a black man, but because his business is founded on supporting and encouraging the community through positive programs, mentorship, and strong leadership. As I enjoy my own coffee, I listen to Martin share his thoughts on the ridiculously limiting, and insanely unattainable box black men are being pressured to fit into.

“I think all of us black men kind of get caught up in the stereotype that’s introduced to us,” Martin says. “I think the myth that comes with a lot of black men is that people look at us and think we’re superheroes, we’re superhuman. They think we don’t feel, we don’t have emotions, and we just have this hard exterior where we can get constantly pounded by life and not show it.” He points to me himself, “Me, personally, that's how I was raised to be by all the black men in my life. But, we’ve pigeonholed ourselves into being this thing that God never designed us to be, when actually we’re so uniquely made.”

While he understands where it stems from, Martin is no fan of the stereotypes placed on black men, finding the pursuit of it damaging and limiting to the development of young black men. Yet, the standard of what it means to be a successful black man is shifting, and it’s men like Martin who are helping dismantle the previous notion and encouraging young black men to instead take time to find their true identities. The themes of self-discovery and identity seems to come up a lot in our conversation. While Martin fulfills many identities in his life: business owner, father to a wonderful little girl, brother, son, etc., it’s been his recent divorce that’s triggered an entirely new journey of rediscovering himself. One, he’s not exactly thrilled to be on. “I feel like I’m wandering through a desert without knowing where I’m going,” Martin says with a strangled laugh. “So, I’m just walking. I just see a lot of sand right now. I don’t know how to feel about the sand. I just know I’m walking somewhere,” he pauses, “and I want to see more than sand!”

Listening to him talk, the fact he’s a designer who crafts beautiful works of art such as bowties carefully by hand, is almost ironic. Like his work, every word Martin utters is carefully selected with thought, care, and delicacy. Each sentence is heavy, weighted, and stitched together perfectly in a way that produces a beautiful introspection. As I listen to him speak about his family, his business, his journey through divorce, and what he hopes to pour into his daughter, I can’t help but feel a radiating sense of faith from his stories. Sure, there’s some sadness, disappointment, and a slight bit of disgruntled resignation embedded in his words, too. But, it’s his faith that protrudes most prominently.

As our conversation marches on, I find myself knowing, without a shadow of doubt, that Martin is a man in God’s care; submitted to his heavenly father in a way that society doesn’t often show of black men. It’s one of the most beautiful things about Martin, his unwavering trust in God in the midst of all the chaos that’s mixed up his previously stable life. I’d like to think it’s his obedience to his faith that makes him a good leader. Yet, this is not Martin’s season of leading. Now in his late twenties, after having the rug ripped out from under him, this is Martin’s desert season. The time in his life where God has stripped away all that he previously was, to lead him to the glory of all he will be. Martin’s goal? Make it out of the other side, stronger than before - with a strong daughter, a strong business, and a supportive family in tow.

Yet, finding that true sense of self-identity can be hard for black men in a society that, simultaneously, places so much and so little on their shoulders. Today’s culture is one where everybody is constantly telling black men how they should feel, what they should be doing, and how they should be living. It’s a society that lustfully praises them while concurrently tearing them down. It’s a conundrum Ben speaks of with deep insight, and gentle assurance.

“There’s so many levels to this stigma we, as black men, have placed on ourselves, and which we reinforce through our upbringing that are so damaging,” he says. “Society reinforces it, too. If we look at the black men we put on pedestals they exemplify certain traits: they’re hard, they seem like they rule the world, they’ve got the accolades, they’ve got the look, they’ve got the physique, they’ve got everything any man or woman would ever want. You’re bombarded with all these images of celebrity black men (like your Will Smiths, your Idris Elbas, Lebron James, any of your professional athletes), and there starts to become this narrative throughout society that all black men are like this, and the ones who aren’t like this are outliers when it’s actually the reverse. This [standard] is the expectation of black men now, and it’s hard to live up to,” he admits.

He references culture’s ever-prominent obsession with black men’s hard exterior being so strongly ingrained throughout black men’s lives, but especially throughout adolescence. “It’s something about having that hard exterior that’s a right of passage for black men as you grow into your manhood, or that you feel is a right of passage,” Martin says. “Don’t let them see you cry. Don’t let someone know that they broke you. If you show too much emotion that’s something you need to work on. Hide those things. If someone hurts you, you need to figure out how to stuff that deep inside, and put on this facade that you don’t care. Nothing can rattle you. Nothing can shake you, because there’s this fear that if people know my weakness, if people know where the chink in my armor is, everything for me is devastated. That’s on the level of career, on finding the right woman, on having a strong family, all of it,” he says.

“I think for most black men when you don’t live up to that [stereotype] there’s something in you that feels like you failed, or that you have lesser value. Then, we turn around and treat ourselves like that,” he explains. “Especially a black man who might not be as successful, who might not have the great physique, the charm, or the swagger. But we have such a strong desire to be seen as that black male that it’s so hard to not want to be that because everyone wants that. They’re celebrated by men of all races, they’re admired by women of all races. Who wouldn’t want to be that? But, I think as black men we have to understand that we’re so much more unique and special than the archetype and stereotypes we’ve been given. If we were to stop and realize those things,” Martin says, “we’d unlock so much more potential that’s hidden in us. We have so many poets, so many artists, so many philosophers that unfortunately will never be discovered because it’s not cool or it's not acceptable; and that’s the real harsh, scary reality.”

It’s a reality Martin works daily to counterbalance through his business, his community programs, his mentoring, and in the way he lives his life by example. His advice to young black men? Find yourself. “Figure out who you are as a man, and break out of the stereotype completely,” Martin shares. “Be proud of what you like, pursue it with everything you have, and understand that God put it there. You’re so much more than a rapper, or an athlete. You’re so much more than physical labor. You’re more than your charm. You’re so uniquely designed. You were crafted, piece by piece, and there is no one in this world like you.”

That journey of self-discovery to find what you like is a lesson Martin had to learn himself, but one he credits as being easier than most thanks to the encouragement and support of his parents. “My parents are amazing leaders, they pushed me to do everything,” he says, “They birthed this mentality that if I have an idea to do something it’s not arbitrary, God must have put it there. So, I can literally do anything I put my mind to. If I have the idea, I have the ability to do it. It might take some work, it might take some dedication, it might take a lot of sacrifice, but I can do it. I’m so appreciative of what they’ve poured into me.”

It’s that dedication, sacrifice, and nerve that led to the creation his business, Martin Etiquettes, a menswear shop founded on class, style, and kindness which Martin started years ago with just a sewing machine (and no experience). “I had no idea what I was doing,” he says laughing. “I just had a dream that I wanted to have this business. I’m just thankful, honestly. I started from knowing absolutely nothing, and now I have this business around a new skill I can die with. I love it so much, and I love where God has taken it.”

As his business grew, so did Martin’s family. Marriage and the birth of his daughter were two major events that shifted Martin’s perspective of himself, proudly and happily taking on the role of husband and father. Yet, this year Martin went through a divorce, ending his marriage and sending him down a rabbit hole of hurt, confusion, and deep introspection.

“Going through that was almost like a train-wreck of anything I thought would happen in my life,” Martin shares. “It's a strong mix of anger, sadness, disappointment, embarrassment, humiliation, and just being broken and stripped of everything – my confidence [and] my ability. Whatever idea I had of myself was immediately stripped away and reduced to the lowest level of life I can imagine, mentally and physically, to the point where all I could do is just pray, God get me out of bed today. It's such a twisted kind of pain and hurt that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.”

It was an event Martin never envisioned, as a loving family unit had been something he’d not only been raised in, but also truly desired. “I was very proud to be a father, to be a husband, and to have everything I wanted in my life slowly start to align the way I wanted it to,” he admits. “In my head, it was the perfect idea of life and it was finally starting to come together. Then, all of the sudden that happens and the trajectory of everything I thought I had wanted in life looks different, and in a way I don’t like.”

The divorce left Martin with scars he says are healing, but that will never truly leave. It’s an observation that’s altered not only who he is and the way he perceives himself, but has influenced the way he’s learning how to present himself to others in this new chapter. “I value authenticity, but presenting my authentic self is different now, because I know I have to be selective,” he says. “I can’t necessarily show everyone my scars, because I don’t know if everyone is worthy to see or understand them. The reality is, I had associated myself with another person for so long, and now that’s gone. I’m moving forward in life where it’s just me. So, I’m getting back into that mode of, ‘what did I like again?’ I’m becoming my best friend again. I fault myself for kind of losing that element of myself, of not always being my best friend and always understanding what I want, and what I need within the scope of relationships and being able to communicate that properly. I can give people that authentic person,” he prefaces, “but I’m a lot more discerning with who I give it to and at what level. Now, I know there are parts of me that are sensitive, and they have to be handled by people who truly understand who I am, and who value and respect who I am.”

While the divorce has presented Martin with an opportunity of rediscovery, he still finds himself trying to come to terms with it, frequently questioning God and reflecting on not only on what happened but why. “I had thought to myself I was living my life the way I should be living it, the way everyone told me you were supposed to live it,” he remarks. “I checked the boxes off, I'm working hard, I've got a family, and then it's like, why in the world would you rip the rug out from under me?! Why would this happen to me? What did I do wrong? What in the world? How did I end up here?”

They’re questions Martin’s taken to God, citing his faith as the instrumental role for his progression forward. “I just know that this is something that only God can take me through, and keep my mind intact [in the end],” Martin says humbly. “God has revealed so much in this season that has been so powerful. Although I'm not out of this season yet, I'm already seeing the motion and the movement of where he might be taking me.” He pauses for a second, strumming his fingers gently on the table as he looks off with a tired smile. “You feel alone, but you start to understand that you’re not. You never truly are.”

Outside of a strong foundation of faith, Martin acknowledges he’s blessed with a wonderful support system that’s gotten him through some of his darkest moments. “In those low moments you feel as if you are worthless,” he says. “You put everything you have into something only for it to not turn out the way you thought it would. It’s a very humbling experience, to put your best out there and your best is not enough. You truly feel broken. I felt like there was something wrong with me, like something about me is deficient. I still have to battle that to this day,” he admits. “It’s not like it’s all better, those are still thoughts that creep up. I credit a lot of my positive recovery, my positive image of self, and my positive outlook of self-worth to the support of my friends and family.”

Family, Martin says, has been not only his foundation and motivation, but his source of encouragement in those low moments when he feels broken. He speaks of them fondly, with a pride and a respect that is contagious. “I go to my roots to feel worthy. I go back to where I come from – my parents, my uncles, my grandparents,” he states proudly. “The stories of my family are so birthed in perseverance, hard work, battling against all odds, finding a way to make it work, and destroying generational curses. In those weak moments, understanding where I come from helps reinvigorate me. Realizing, not only am I special and unique, I was bred from this. I come from hard times. I come from people who made it work against all odds, who look a million times better than the situations they’ve been through. This is my blood. These are the people who raised me, and it’s in my blood to persevere. It’s within me. I have an obligation within myself to live up to all the work they put in to get me here,” he states. “All the work they put in changing the trajectory of how our family is viewed, where our family is at, what they do, how they’re respected, and how they’ve viewed in the community. There’s just been so much done, it would behoove me to stop,” he says. “Who am I to stop? There’s work to do. My family and the people that have gotten me here have worked way too hard for me to stop life. There’s no way I could stop, the price that’s been paid is too expensive.”

And when it comes down to it, paying that price is Martin's own goal for the betterment of his children. Pain aside, divorce aside, confusion aside, Martin knows with unshakeable clarity that his identity rests in the prosperity of his daughter. “The degree that I succeed in life will be measured by the mindset of my daughter, and hopefully my other children one day,” he says. “Can they find joy? Can they find contentment? Can they avoid comparison? Are they able to enjoy life in ways that I couldn’t? Can they be happy with what God has given them and understand they are unique and special? Can they anchor themselves to God? Have I left her something of substance that she can live with (i.e. the business I created?). That will be the degree to which I know if I’ve truly succeeded or failed,” he says with confidence. “That’s the real measuring stick.”

If that’s the goal, I’d say Martin’s on the right track doing everything within his power to live up to the man God’s shown him to be. His business is still growing, his heart’s on the repair, and he may be wandering the desert storms, but Martin has no plans on stopping his journey anytime soon. He will get to the other side of the storm, even if he has to use every last bit of strength in him to crawl out the other side. Martin may not know when that other side will come, but you can be sure he’ll be there when it does.

“I don’t want to die with any regrets,” Martin says. “Zero. I want to leave this world empty, everything I have in me I want to pour out. I want whoever is connected to me to say that man left everything he had in him in this world. Everything that is him is out here with us. Why?” he pauses. “Because he did everything he could.”

After all Martin has been through, I can’t help but notice as he wraps up his story there is still so much hope in his voice. I’ve come to learn, in the words of Ann Frank, where there is hope, there is life. Or at the least, where there is hope there is always the chance for life, the opportunity for life. Hope is the place where new life is birthed, even in the midst of the desert.

Martin, like his work, is wonderfully and uniquely made. His faith in God, his belief in what God is working within him through this season is a point of pure inspiration. When I tell him this, Martin simply laughs in good humor and shrugs off the pain as all a part of the plan. “There can’t be transformation without destruction first,” he says. “When you look at the world, when you look at science, when you look at all the natural phenomenons, most of the time something is crushed or broken first. So is life. If God is trying to grow and push you somewhere new, He first has to break what he wants to transform. Some days, I wake up and I feel like I can run up the mountain,” he acknowledges, “other days it feels as if I’ve lost every sense of fight and the best I can do is just crawl. Other days I’m numb, just going through the motions hoping God moves me in the right direction through it. But through all of those days God has shown me that if I’m willing to move, He will move me. He needs me to keep moving in order to get me where I'm going. So, I’m on a unique journey right now. I don’t know why yet, but I’m very confident God will show me in time. I’m rediscovering myself all over again.” He pauses. “I’m not happy,” he admits truthfully with a lighthearted chuckle, “but I’m getting there.”

He opens his mouth to say something else, pauses, but then changes his mind. Instead he leans back in his chair, gives a tired smile, and a small shrug as if to say, it is what it is. He’s tired, but he’s here. He’s holding on. He’s moving. He’s hopeful. And maybe him simply being here, just as is, is his real true act of strength. In fact, Martin’s ability to trust God, to relinquish control, and to concede to his weakness so openly, so genuinely, and without pause or shame is not only the most beautiful, but most certainly the strongest thing about him. • zt.

Connect with Benjamin: Martin Etiquettes Website, Instagram, Email

Words by Zauni Tanil
Photography: Jamaal Wallace, Instagram